Methodical Mares
by Whose Liner
Summary: Clashing over the proper way to get a date for the evening, Rainbow Dash and Rarity try out their respective tactics on a single subject...which conclude with very unexpected results.


**Introduction: **Well, it had to happen sooner or later. But to make the long story short, this brony was prompted to attempt a "_My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic_" fanfic! This being my first MLP tail-er...tale (but certainly not my first story ever), I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing/typing it!

**Disclaimer:** Not much to say here, except that I don't own this show or anything officially connected to it. That honor goes to Lauren Faust and Hasbro, to whom I offer my gratitude for creating a new breed of pony for the people to cherish. Thanks for bringing such an entertaining show to us and may it continue for a good, long while!

* * *

**My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic - Methodical Mares**

Ah, the colorful, charismatic community of Ponyville! Home to a large population of ponies, varying in personalities, plans and professions. Activities and adventures as well as perils and pleasures (big and small) are always abound. Lots more could be said about this quaint little town, but one would only need to set a single hoof into the area to appreciate its numerous splendors, candy for one's eyes and ears...

Oh...can you feel it? The birds' cheerful chirping, the busy bees buzzing and the prancing, playful, precocious pack of ponies, pausing to ponder the potential, positive, precise pearls of solution for their plethora of perplexing predicaments, pleasurably perceptively permeating answers into a particular percentage of pestering problems and putting them in their place with perfect, pinpoint precision.

To preferably paraphrase...it's all purely part of the processed, periodic package.

It's panacea, not a placebo.

Understand, my little ponies?

Me neither.

Anyway...

Indeed...such a exhilarating atmosphere is interlaced with Ponyville, amplified by a wonderful spring day interlaced with the entire kingdom of Equestria. Nothing unusual was occurring, but that hardly warranted a reason to go looking for trouble. The common traits of such a day should be hard at work at right now. Are the birds chirping? Were the bees buzzing? Is that the sound of ponies playing?

Yes to all. Yes, yes, yes-

"NO, NO, NO!"

"Aw, c'mon! Pleeeeease?"

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, a trio of fillies known to most as the Cutie Mark Crusaders were repeatedly requesting permission for petsitting...sort of.

In their latest attempt to gain their cutie marks - the glorious symbols upon ponies' flanks, representing their special talents - the youngsters were asking a longtime friend of theirs if they could borrow her pet for...heavens, who knows what?

Unfortunately, they didn't even get a chance to explain or plead their case before a solid wall of opposition got in their way.

The sky-blue, multi-colored haired pegasus called Rainbow Dash was the one countering the requests with refusals.

Now, she normally had a reputation for being eternally loyal to her friends, possessing an unquenchable thirst for adventure, an undeniable need for ultimate speed...and for simply being an all-around, heckuva great gal.

But when it came to matters concerning her pet, Tank the tortoise, Rainbow Dash's mindset became rather protective and her agreeable mannerisms ran the risk of tasking a nosedive.

"I've said it before. Questions we all know the answers to..."

"...we don't need to ask," they solemnly replied in unison, sighing.

"Hey, I know you guys wanna get your cutie marks real badly, but whatever you're thinking of doing with Tank - petsitting or otherwise - I just can't allow. Besides...remember what happened last month when you tried to look after those **insects?**"

Scootaloo's expression turned sour while adding her two bits to the mix.

"Geez, some fillies **accidentally** let a buncha **fire ants** loose on Ponyville and they pay for it with the **rest** of their lives!"

"Look at the **bright** side!" Sweetie Belle happily squeaked. "Nopony got **seriously** burned!"

"And ev'rypony's manes grew BACK, didn't they?" Apple Bloom pointed out (loudly).

"Doesn't change what you did," Rainbow Dash firmly. "That '**Littlest** Pet Shop' project of yours? Forget it! **Not** a great plan! Leave that weird idea to some **other** group of colorful characters!"

The Crusaders knew that the older pony was speaking the truth. Still, one last effort was worth a try; specifically a very big-

"BUT...!"

"Sorry, but you're gonna hafta find another way to reach your goal."

Dejected and defeated, the youngsters turned to go. Rainbow certainly didn't mean to sound so harsh (if that's how her behavior had been interpreted), so she decided to end this encounter on a (hopefully) positive note.

"Hang on!"

The group turned their heads to see what the pegasus had to say now. Rainbow had what looked like tickets in her mouth. She leaned her neck downward and dropped them on the ground for the girls to see.

"I won these in a contest. They're special 'wild card' movie tickets, so you can use 'em to see any flick ya want. I used of one of 'em earlier today, but you can have the other three."

"No way! Really?" asked an excited Scootaloo.

"Really. You've worked hard...y'know, aiming for those cutie marks and all. Why doncha take a break from all the crusading for a bit and see a free movie together?"

"THANKS!" Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom exclaimed, each taking a ticket into their mouth.

Scootaloo did the same, but not before quickly hugging her idol.

"You're the **best**, Rainbow Dash!"

"Heh, heh...well, I try," she said, slightly embarrassed and nervously scratching the back of her head.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders eagerly ran off to reap the benefits of their gift, but not without being tossed a few obligatory words of caution...

"Enjoy yourselves...but '_Pit Pony_' is **off limits!** It's **not** for kids!"

It couldn't be assured that the fillies had actually heard her words. Or it could've been that they deliberately blocked them out. Neither possibility would be surprising.

"Now...back to more important matters!" Rainbow Dash grinned.

She flipped three balanced bits off the tip of her right wing into the air. Sticking out her front left hoof, the coins landed in a neat stack atop it. Whether or not that was the intended result was anypony's guess.

"My taste buds have a date with a tall smoothie and they **don't** wanna be late!"

* * *

Sitting at a small round table outside of a juice bar, Rainbow Dash took a long, satisfying sip of her fruit smoothie through a straw. She already knew it would taste as great as it looked; brightly colored, cooled and healthy bearing no artificial sweeteners or effervescence.

"Mmm..." she said, licking her lips and savoring the delicious taste. "Chilled to perfection and as smooth as a mountain's stream! It doesn't get much better than this!"

"Well, **somepony** looks as happy as a clam!" chirped a familiar voice.

Rainbow averted her gaze upward up from her drink and saw Rarity, a white unicorn with elegant looks matching her equally elegant voice, supplemented by a cutie mark depicting a trio of diamonds. The curls in her purple mane (and tail) seemed to have a mind of their own, lightly bouncing with every step taken, further complimenting the lovely atmosphere she emitted.

Rarity was an extremely skilled fashion designer, always creating and selling sensational works of art - that came in the form of well-crafted clothes - by the tons. The Carousel Boutique was both her home and base of operations. If somepony needed a suit or dress, Rarity's products were the best.

And if Rarity didn't have what you were looking for...then she'd take it upon herself to create it completely from scratch.

When it came to personalities, features and interests, she and Rainbow Dash were practically polar opposites. Regardless of that, they still employed fundamental similarities in their hearts that made an unlikely friendship between them very possible...and lasting.

"Fay faf agemph?" Rainbow asked, lifting her head (and probably not realizing that the straw was still in her mouth).

Rarity shot her friend a brief disapproving expression and sighed.

"I said that you appeared rather pleased with yourself!"

Rainbow's common sense kicked in this time, causing her to release the straw back into her glass before responding.

"You better believe it! Not that anypony **needs** a reason to be cheerful, but it never hurts! I got my weather duties done ahead of schedule, took a relaxing nap, saw a movie, averted a possible disaster by the Cutie Mark Crusaders...eh, hopefully...and I'm topping it all off with a smoothie!"

"Sounds like the makings of a productive day," Rarity agreed, taking a seat. "Oh, by the way...what movie did you see?"

"Um, I saw...'_There Must Be a Pony'_...yeah, that was it."

"Oh, I've been meaning to see **that** one! Is it any good?"

"It was okay...I guess."

"You know...considering what I saw in the trailer, it didn't look like the type of movie you'd go for."

"Hey, you're always telling me to 'expand my horizons' or whatever so I thought I'd give it a chance! But I probably woulda had a better time seeing '_Pit Pony_'...starring that musician-turned-actress Method Mare! She's **awesome!**"

Rarity smiled, but couldn't help rolling her eyes as well.

"Besides, '_Iron Mare 3_' doesn't come out 'til next week."

"To each their own, darling."

"The only other movies playing were '_Frontier Pony Express Rider_' and '_Princess and the Pony_' which-"

"Wait...if memory serves, isn't there at least one more film currently in rotation at the theater?"

"If you're talking about that flick '_Human Factor_'...which is CRAZY in my opinion...!"

Rarity recoiled a bit at Rainbow Dash's exclamation.

"Look, there's nothing wrong with all this abstract, new-age, visionary, thought-provoking stuff...but those 'human' creatures in the film just didn't...kinda...uh, to make the long story short...they were **SCARY. **There were some **major** creepy concepts in there. I keep wondering what was going through the director's melon when he made this!"

"Are you sure?"

"Trust me, sister. You're seeing it at your own risk!"

Rarity gave a "Hmm..." while she stroked her chin with her hoof, indicating that she was reconsidering the amount of interest she had in seeing that picture.

"But I digress," Rainbow said, halting her criticism of the movie. "How's your day been?"

"Equally rewarding!" Rarity said, (enthusiastically) breaking away from her previous thought. "I finished yet **another** difficult wardrobe order for an out-of-town client! A most **taxing** endeavor, I must say! Then I paid a visit to Fluttershy at her cottage and we had a few peaceful minutes over a cup of tea. Afterwards, we headed over to the spa!"

"The **spa?**" Rainbow asked, clearly starting to lose interest in the new subject matter.

Rarity's smiled widened a bit and nodded vigorously.

"Mm-hm! It's our weekly get-together, after all!"

Now it was Rainbow's turn to roll _her_ eyes.

"Here we go..." she muttered.

"Don't knock it until you've tried it!" stated Rarity.

The description that escaped the unicorn's lips was one which Rainbow Dash had heard too many times. So much so that every subsequent time she heard it, it was (usually) the same sentences, word for word.

Rainbow put on an overly cheerful (and fake) smile and silently mouthed Rarity's words as they were spoken.

"There's absolutely **nothing** like the feeling of having your horned filed, slapping on a mudmask, and receiving the **best** back massages! They do **wonders** for the mind and body!"

It was evident that Rainbow had long since memorized her buddy's rant (although not of her own accord).

"**That's** a snoozer if I ever heard one! First off, I don't **have** a horn to file! Second, willingly smudging **sludge** all over my face doesn't sound very useful! Finally, a massage might damage my **wings!** I couldn't **stand** to live without these babies!"

Rainbow Dash expanded her wings and quickly flapped them in demonstration, although she didn't proceed to fly off.

"So...basically, going to the spa doesn't rank high on my 'To Do' list!" she concluded.

It was clear that Rainbow's assumptions about the spa were unjust and/or unwarranted, but Rarity decided not to (intentionally) escalate such a debate for fear of starting an argument.

"You clearly need to give the place more credit, darling. Sprucing up your appearance has a number of benefits!" Rarity noted.

"Zat so?" Rainbow asked, sitting back down and crossing her front legs.

"**Quite** so! You end up looking **devastatingly** gorgeous-"

"This **conversation** is devastating enough!"

"You also feel good about yourself-"

"Hey, I got **plenty** of self-esteem! Confidence comin' out the **ears!**"

"So I've noticed. And perhaps most importantly, a makeover can be the key factor in attracting...a **mate.**"

"Excuse me?"

"A mate. You know, what we call the-"

"I **know** what you mean! I just don't get why that should matter to me!"

Rarity sighed, fearing (in the back of her mind) that this talk probably wouldn't end favorably. Nevertheless, she was determined to make a point while Rainbow Dash (who still failed to see where this discussion was going) took another long sip from her smoothie.

"Come now, you don't plan on being single forever...**do** you?" Rarity gently teased.

"Hey, **this** gal flies solo!" assured Rainbow, lightly thumping her chest once. "I'm perfectly cool winging it alone! The stallion who can keep up with me hasn't been born yet! And that's the **minimum** of what it would take to even get my attention!"

"Oh, please! I could understand if you're not looking for a very special somepony on **purpose**...but it does make one think..."

Rainbow could tell that Rarity's wheels were turning, prompting her to jump in before the fashionista's thoughts could go any further.

"I could get a guy if I **wanted!**" Rainbow Dash announced, a bit too defensively.

"Hmm...**you** asking out a stallion?" Rarity inquired, still teasing her a little. "That's a miracle I'd **love** to witness!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! **Back** up right there! Let's get one thing straight! Rainbow Dash does not 'ask out' somepony on a date! When she sees a dude worth hangin' out with...she **demands** their company! In short...Rainbow Dash **conquers!**"

"Uh-**huh.**"

"**I **do not go out with them...**they** go out with **me!** Those are my methods, **end** of story! Hey, that rhymes!"

_And they say __**I'm**__ the drama queen_, Rarity thought.

"You certainly talk a good game, darling...but I've still yet to see you take any action to support the validity of your...'methods'...as you call them."

"Hey, are you doubting my techniques? Is that a **challenge** I'm hearin'?"

Rarity squeezed her eyes shut and pulled a facehoof.

"No and no."

"Ha! A double negative! That means **yes!**"

"If you absolutely **must** pursue this goal of self-humiliation, then by all means...**dazzle** me."

"This'll be a cinch! Ain't a thing but a pegasus wing!"

"Whatever **that** means. Anyway, seek out one of your so-called 'dudes'...and '**conquer**' him!"

"Already on it!"

With a flap of her wings, Rainbow Dash zoomed upward into the air in a perfect vertical line, without a single tilt in angle. She squinted her eyes, glancing far and wide for a promising candidate. Ponies were naturally spotted here and there going about their business, but they were all female. Rainbow was just about to look elsewhere when she spied a single stallion not too far away.

He gradually (albeit unintentionally) headed towards them. Rainbow immediately lowered herself back down to the table she had been sitting at. She turned her head to make sure the guy was still walking in their direction. She rubbed her front hooves together in anticipation.

"Ah! The perfect victim at 3 o'clock!"

"That late already?"

Rainbow groaned as she pointed with her hoof. Rarity's eyes widened a bit and her mouth curled into a smile. He was a young-looking male with a grayish amber coat, brown mane, light blue eyes and his cutie mark was that of an hourglass. Maybe he wasn't the most dashing and/or handsome pony around, but his physical attributes were enough to grab Rarity's attention. She stared for quite a moment, possibly unwilling or unable to look elsewhere.

Not even a cyan hoof being waved in front of her provided a sufficient distraction.

"Hellooooo? Earth to Rarity!" Rainbow Dash hollered.

"Oh...sorry, dear," Rarity said, tearing her eyes away at last. "Just admiring the view...if you catch my drift."

"Say what?"

Rarity pointed to Rainbow's "victim" as she explained.

"While I'm still skeptical of how you would go about courting a partner, I'll admit that you **do** have reasonable taste."

"Yeah, yeah...but it's time to get to work! Heh, heh! I'll have that poor schmo wrapped around my hoof in **no** time!"

"**This** ought to be good."

"Watch and learn."

Rainbow leaned against a nearby tree (not too far from where she had been sitting), draping one hind leg over the other (as well as crossing her front legs) and flashed a small - but confident - smile.

The stallion in question quietly hummed to himself making his way to the juice bar. Although he wasn't too far away from the tree as he passed by, he took no notice of Rainbow Dash...at least, not until he heard a loud, beckoning whistle coming from her location.

"Yo!"

The male turned his head her way and locked eyes with the mare. He looked right and left, unsure if he was the one being called out to. Seeing nopony else nearby, his eyes widened slightly and he pointed towards himself, effectively making a silent - but obvious - inquiry.

"Yeah, **you!** C'mere!" Rainbow Dash hollered.

The "target" hesitantly approached her, while the pegasus decided to make her move just the way she preferred lots of things in life to be...short and speedy.

"What's up, **doc?**" she quipped.

"What's cookin', good lookin'?" he unenthusiastically replied.

"You! Me! Dance club! Tonight! Seven! Whaddya say?"

"I'd say you need to work on your sentence structures and try again...**ma'am.**"

With that, the stallion swiftly turned around and resumed his course towards the beverage stand.

Needless to say, Rainbow was aghast at her complete and utter failure to score a date, leaving her at a loss for words...

"Wha...I...ju...hol...she...and...be...fu...**you**...!"

...although she was not incapable of vocalizing a few jumbled syllables.

Her "poor schmo" turned his head and shot back a much more direct and coherent reply.

"And the name's **Time Turner.**"

Rainbow Dash received a bit of a glare from the (former) dating candidate. _Now_ she was speechless. If her jaw had been any lower it would've hit the dirt beneath her hooves.

Supplementing the already awkward scene was the sound of somepony's hooves slowly clapping in a mock display of applause.

"Smashing, Rainbow Dash. Simply...smashing..."

That was all Rarity could get out before she started snickering.

"Okay, so I'm a little **rusty** in the dating game! It could happen to anypony!" R.D. grumbled (with a shrug and a scowl).

"Not **anypony**, darling..." teased Rarity. "Step back and let a **real** lady show you how it's done!"

Rainbow just slumped back down at the table and took another slurp of her smoothie. For some reason, it didn't taste as good now.

"Hmph. What does HE know? Miserable, stinking, rotten, wisecracking, snot-nosed, dirty, insulting, no good, smart-mouthed-"

"Dear, **please! **Keep that kind of language in check! It's inappropriate, even **when** mumbled."

"Oh, yeah? So what do **you** have planned?"

"Something simple. I'll just shove a little **beauty** in his face, throw a bit of **charm** his way...and he'll be **putty** in my hooves! That stallion will be mine! ALL **MINE!** **AH, HA, HA, HA**-"

"Come again?"

Rarity froze in place, realizing that she was thinking out loud (partially, anyway). She gave a nervous, sheepish grin while her cheeks briefly turned red.

"Aheh! Pardon me...a little bit of phlegm there," she said in a jittery voice.

"Yecch!" Rainbow went, sticking her tongue out.

With Rarity admitting herself as a participant into this unofficial competition, the score between the two mares was zero to zero...a number which she was determined to increase by one point (in her favor).

"Rainbow Dash...the proper way to request somepony for a date is as such; you must be cognizant of your behavior! It's all about attitude! You must be richly ravishing! Excessively elegant! Cunningly charming! Dastardly daring! Painfully prissy! Stunningly sublime!"

As Rarity explained her "lesson" in superabundant (and unnecessary) detail, she gently spun around on one (hind) hoof and made her usual overdramatic gestures. Her winged adversary stared at her, very bored.

Sensing her friend's mindset, Rarity turned her head and saw that Rainbow's eyes were only half-open, and she was exhaling into her straw, blowing bubbles into her drink, all the while steadily tapping her hoof on the table.

"Um, Rainbow...am I making any sense?"

"NO."

"Fine. No matter...I'll show you. And when you see how successful I am, you'll be **begging** me for advice on how to win a date!"

Rarity beamed while Rainbow eyed her blankly.

"I'm shaking in my horseshoes."

"I'll see to it that you do! Observe!"

Not wanting to waste anymore time (and for fear of losing her "prey"), the unicorn hurried over to where the stallion had gone. A small line of customers had been established at the juice bar and Time Turner was at its end. Her eyebrows "jumped" twice as she gazed at his blue eyes with genuine attraction in her own equally colored peepers.

"Hello there, you **excruciatingly** handsome stallion, you!" Rarity cooed.

Time Turner was feeling as uneasy as when Rainbow Dash came onto him (if not more). Rarity slowly advanced towards him wielding all the allure (and other similar characteristics) she could muster.

"I noticed that you seem to be **sorely** lacking in the relationship department! Thankfully, **this** customer is interested in purchasing the right to fill that empty slot! Rarity, expert on both fashion and features, is **just** the mare to put a spring in your step and improve your day **monumentally!** How fortunate that she's chosen an unbelievably **lucky** individual such as yourself to treat her to an **irresistible** romantic extravaganza that would make the Grand Galloping Gala look like a mere **trot** through the park!"

The annual event that was being referred to required little to no help in advertising its dull nature, but it served its purpose of helping to make Rarity seem like a good idea.

Rarity batted her eyelashes and nuzzled her head (unrelentingly) against Time's Turner's neck as she spoke. But as (bad) luck would have it, she didn't see the annoyance and frown that had taken up residence on his face.

"Uh, miss...I'd like to retain what little personal space I have left...**IF** you don't mind...!" Time Turner grunted, struggling to free himself of the lady's "cling" (so to speak).

Even as his hoof was slowly prying her face off his neck and lightly pushing it away, Rarity (oblivious to the impending dismissal of her premature affections) wasn't finished yet.

"So, blue eyes...how about it?" she asked, whipping back the long lock of hair that partially covered the side of her face.

"Eh?"

"Care to escort a mare out for a **lovely** night on the town?"

To say that Time Turner appeared to be irritated with Rarity's flirting would be putting it mildly.

"No thanks...you're not my **type.**"

On the surface, Rarity took his refusal rather well at first, remaining calm and pokerfaced.

But how was she faring mentally? Ah...well...

* * *

At that moment, a very, very, very...**VERY**...loud sound echoed throughout Ponyville. One might dare even say it spread across all of Equestria. For years to come, there would be rumors abound that the land's ruler, the great Princess Celestia herself could hear it even in her faraway castle.

Some of the first ponies who heard the noise were in Ponyville's movie theater.

Apple Bloom tore her attention away from the big screen and stopped munching on her popcorn as her ears twitched in response to what sounded like a dull boom, yet it had a certain something to it that couldn't be easily described.

"Whoa, didja hear that?" she asked. "Sounded like a **snap.**"

"I thought it was a **crackle**..." Sweetie Belle commented, while chewing on a chocolate bar.

"Nah, pretty sure it was a **pop**..." Scootaloo assumed, looking up from her soda. "But, on the other hoof-"

"HEY, DOWN IN FRONT!"

That day, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were reminded that one should **NEVER** talk during a movie.

* * *

Back outside the theater, the boom (which, by strange coincidence, occurred right after Rarity's rejection) was immediately followed by a nasty screech similar to that of an unbearable scratching along a chalkboard. **This** sound, however, was identified...as Rarity's teeth grinding back and forth.

She found that it was all she could do as Time Turner (wisely) decided to forego waiting in line for his desired beverage and vacate the premises.

Inadvertently true to her word, Rarity had succeeded in stunning Rainbow Dash. She'd failed in winning over a stallion, but the breakdown of her mindset was indeed a spectacle to behold.

Just as her competitor had previously done, Rarity began stammering pieces of different sentences. Rainbow did her best to console her pal.

"Wha...Rainbow...you...I mean, he...you **saw **how-"

"I did."

"Suddenly...then...he went and-"

"I know."

"And...and...did you **hear **what...!"

"I heard."

Rainbow Dash took a deep breath before repeating the "insult" that had been tossed Rarity's way.

"You're not his type."

Her face vibrated furiously, turning a brilliant shade of crimson. All she could do was let out a ferocious (but surprisingly cute)-

"MMMMMRRRRRGGGGG!"

Rarity angrily watched Time Turner calmly walk away. In her own private universe, he was doing it quite smugly, too.

"**Not** his type? Not **his** type? Not his **TYPE!? **WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, **BRUSHING** ME OFF SO CASUALLY? I HOPE YOU REALIZE THE **MAGNITUDE** OF WHAT YOU JUST PASSED UP, YOU LOUSY, LONESOME **LOUT!** YOU WOULDN'T KNOW A PRETTY MARE IF SHE SNUCK UP FROM BEHIND AND **BIT **OFF YOUR-"

Rainbow Dash frantically wrapped her hooves around Rarity's mouth before her little preview of the next few words to come surpassed the approval rating for all appropriate audiences.

All that could be heard now was-

"RRRL RRRN RERREDDDY HMMPHRRR! ERMM AHH IFFORR AFFA MMRAHAFFOR AHF AFFEEEM!"

Tempting as it would be to decipher the poor girl's venting, it was a given that quite a bit would (deliberately) become lost in the translation.

"Rarity! Who was it again that said to **watch** the language?" Rainbow asked, stunned at the unexpected outburst.

The wild flailing of her hooves had died down and R.D. took it as a sign that she could let go.

Rarity's purple mare was in disarray and she was breathing in and out heavily. Her teeth still displayed hint of grinding, though.

"**Chillax**, girl! Take it easy!"

She lightly rubbed her hoof against the back of Rarity's neck, trying to sooth her proverbial "ruffled feathers."

The huffing and puffing were the first things to die down.

"That's it...just be cool now..."

Expending a huge slice of energy belting out her proclamations of hatred (and other specific acts of **hideous **violence), Rarity let out one final sharp exhale as her ears drooped and her body dropped to the ground.

"Forget about him, Rare...he's not worth it. If he were about...mmm, 20% **cooler**...then it'd be different, but-"

"I...you're absolutely right, Rainbow Dash. There are plenty of better things in this world to get excited over."

The light blue pony flashed a relieved smile.

"Well...so be it. If 'Mr. High-and-Mighty' wants to deny himself the company of two **beautiful** ladies, then it's **his** loss."

"**Two?**"

"Why, yes! You and me."

Rainbow was not usually one to let her soft side show, but the fact that the word 'beautiful ' had been used to describe her was - quite frankly - shocking, to say the least. Self-esteem was not a quality she had in short supply; but even so, an adjective such as the one Rarity quoted wasn't one R.D. regularly associated herself with.

"You...really think I'm beautiful?" she asked.

"Of **course** I do," Rarity confirmed, smiling warmly and sincerely.

Try as she might to resist, Rainbow couldn't stop the sappy smile from creeping into her own lips...or the blush from permeating her cheeks.

"I've never really thought about how I look...but still...that means a lot coming from you, Rarity."

Rarity stepped forward, gleefully (and gently) nuzzling her head against her friend's.

"What's say we forget this silly little competition and call it a draw?" she suggested.

"I can live with that!" Rainbow agreed. "Lemme treat ya to a tall smoothie!"

Rarity nodded...and with that, the following score was: Rainbow Dash - 0, Rarity - 0.

But before the pair could even take five steps to the juice stand they heard a loud voice originating...from above.

"WHOOOAAA! LOOK OUT BELOW!"

Many ponies glanced upwards and saw a grey pegasus with a blonde mane zigzagging downwards at a frightening velocity, causing some of the townsfolk to take cover. Neither Rainbow Dash nor Rarity knew what to make of the said individual coincidentially crashing into Time Turner, kicking up a huge cloud of dust from the collision. The duo couldn't take their eyes off what had just transpired.

As the pegasus sat up, she whipped her head right and left at lightning speed, panicking that all of the mail she was to deliver had fallen out of her saddlebags and were spread all over the ground. On top of that, she had a couple of minor scratches on her body and some leaves and twigs had become entangled in her mane.

Her appearance on the scene may not have been the most graceful or dramatic of entrances, but it was still difficult to ignore.

"My word!" Rarity exclaimed.

"Yep...that's Derpy for ya," confirmed Rainbow. "Whatcha saw was about par for the course...for **her**, anyway."

Time Turner was on his back holding his head level with one hoof. But that didn't cause the stars spinning around his head to dissipate any faster. (It should be noted that due to his reaction to their advances, Rarity and Rainbow Dash weren't offering much sympathy.)

"Oww...that hurt...a **lot**..." he groaned.

"Oops! Sorry, doc!" apologized Derpy. "I just don't know what went wrong!"

"We all make mistakes. No real harm was done...I think."

The two had been friends for a long time, which was perhaps the main reason he didn't get too upset over his injury. The stallion helped gather everything up, placing all the scattered envelopes and parcels back into the mare's saddlebags. He then nodded his head, letting her know that everything was all right.

As he resumed his walking, Derpy's mind mulled over something she'd been thinking about for a while. Since Time Turner **was** here and all...then maybe...just...maybe...?

"Uh...em, **wait!**" she blurted out.

"Huh?"

Derpy flapped her wings nervously, causing her to float (roughly) a foot from the ground. Her cheeks were flushed as she slightly turned her head away and ran her right hoof over her left front leg, sugarcoated with a sheepish smile.

A great example of embarrassment in all its glory.

"What's on your mind?"

The title of the world's most shy, timid and meekest pony would undoubtedly and unanimously be awarded to another pegasus known as Fluttershy, a girl in Ponyville who truly lived up to her name on a daily basis.

But Derpy's behavior at this very moment would designate herself as a ranked contender.

"Umm...w-well, er...if, uh...you're not doing anything later...y'wanna maybe...g-get some dinner...tonight? Y'know...with **me?**"

Time Turner was amused at her bashfulness and smiled.

"Sure. Sounds great."

"Wha...! R-really?"

"Absolutely! It's a date! Why don't we meet up here tonight? Around, say...seven?"

"O-okay! Uh...**deal!**"

Time Turner nodded again and waved to her before leaving.

"See you then!" Derpy excitedly called out.

Still airborne, the clumsy pony squeezed her eyes shut and stabbed her (front) hooves outward and upward.

"YES! Yes, yes, **yes!**" she happily hissed.

"**GACK!**"

Derpy's ears perked up at odd sound, which came from Rarity and Rainbow Dash, who had observed everything.

EVERYTHING.

The two ponies' eyes were as large as dinner plates and their jaws were lower than a snake's arches. But despite all that, their powers of speech hadn't diminished any.

"I **can't** believe it..." Rainbow uttered.

"I **refuse **to believe it!" Rarity declared. "After ignoring you and casting me aside-"

"That jerk-faced moron chose..."

The two mares looked at each other before simultaneously finishing the sentence.

"**DERPY?**"

"Somepony call me?"

The accident-prone pegasus floated over to the other two girls and watched them with her usual cross-eyed stare. Derpy's handling of Time Turner was nothing short of incredible.

Rarity struggled (with what available strength she had left) to conjure up the only question that was on her mind. Rainbow Dash helped to finish it for her.

"How in the **world**-"

"Did you **DO** that?"

Derpy thought for a moment, putting her hoof to her chin. Her pupils spun once in opposite directions, then returned to their original positions.

"Do what?"

That oblivious response was what did it. Having wasted their time and energy trying to win over a guy, only to lose to a klutz such as Derpy caused Rainbow and Rarity to stare and each other and both go...

"**UGH!**"

With that final groan, Rainbow's eyes automatically shut as she fell face forward into the dirt. Rarity put her foreleg to the side of her head and fainted, dropping backwards onto the ground. Derpy looked down at them, somewhat confused.

"Y'okay, Rainbow Dash?" she asked.

Neither of the half-conscious girls responded. They failed to even budge.

With these unusual and **very** unexpected turn of events, the final results of the imaginary scoreboard were as follows: Rainbow Dash - 0, Rarity - 0...

...and Derpy - 1.

Still worried, the blonde pony wracked her brain to offer any verbal semblance of comfort.

"Uhhhh...my bad?"

Not at all, Derpy...not at all.

And that was **not** a double negative.

Or was it?

**THE END (OF THIS FIASCO!)**

* * *

**Author's Notes:** So, that wraps up my first MLP fic. Got any questions to which I may or may not have the answers to? Compliments? Complaints? Comments? COMMANDMENTS?

Well, too bad. I ain't got time to respond to any of them. I've more stories to write. Strangely enough, they're about ponies...go figure. Take care, y'all!

By the way, if this story didn't float your boat...I'll try to make the next one about 20% cooler.

No promises, though.


End file.
